


What is Love?

by mexican_torpedo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 12, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel will die for Dean, Dean has a realization, Dean is in love with Castiel, Eventual Smut, How Do I Tag, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, Mutual Pining, My First Fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-25 03:12:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14369661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mexican_torpedo/pseuds/mexican_torpedo
Summary: After Lucifer kills Castiel in front of Dean, Mary is gone, and Jack is MIA, he is left hurting and maybe suicidal. However, when Castiel suddenly comes back, Dean finally lets himself have a realization.This is set immediately after season 12 with a few spoilers to season 13, but it's mostly an AU.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spideyguts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spideyguts/gifts).



> Hey people, this is my first fic and I'd really appreciate some feedback! Whatever is in '....' or italicized is Dean's thoughts.

“Dean, are you serious? This is fantastic!” Sam looked at his brother with a newfound hope in his eyes, long overdue ever since last night.

  
This is actually fan-freaken-tastic news, but yesterday Dean couldn’t fully admit that Castiel was dead, and now here he goes, calling him saying he’s alive, and now Dean can’t get over the fact that yes, Castiel is now alive and waiting for you to pick him up.

“Dude, why aren’t you freaking out? Are you okay?” Sam caught him staring into space, and obviously Dean has no choice but to bury his inner turmoil, because, why would he waste time having a heart to heart when he can just suppress his “feelings” with alcohol?

“Yeah Sammy, I’m just planning the fastest route to where Cas is at.”

 

All Dean can think about when he pulls up behind the angel, is _holy shit I saw him die, why isn’t he dead, he should be dead_.

The younger Winchester looks across at him, eagerly waiting for his brother to take the lead. When Dean nods his head and steps out of the Impala, Sam stays a couple feet behind, for whatever reason because Dean knows he wants to hurry and get to Castiel.

When Castiel turns around, Dean’s breath gets punched out of his body, and all he can do is stare.

“Castiel?” The hunter has no clue as to how he managed to say a single syllable, but the look in Castiel’s eyes is worth the pain. He’s worth the pain.

“Dean,” and it’s like everything in the world is at peace because suddenly Dean realizes that this is what he’s ached for; his voice; eyes; stupid tan trench coat.

He walks up to Castiel and pulls him tight to his chest, relishing his earthy scent. _Thank the deities my angel’s_ _back_.

 

And that’s when his bliss is cut short. _My angel? What the fuck, he’s not mine. I don’t own him, he doesn’t sleep in my bed, he’s not mine._ He pulls back before it gets too personal.

“It’s good to have you back, pal.” He adds a clap on Castiel’s shoulder to make sure he doesn’t get any wrong ideas. After Sam practically squashes him in his bear hug, they decide to stop by a burger drive through to get Castiel something to eat because for some reason his sudden resurrection has him craving actual food.

On the way there, Dean has one thought in the back of his mind: _What if I want him to be mine?_

 

They order their overly greasy burgers, and when Dean goes to pass Castiel his, their fingers brush and Dean’s hand is on fire.

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel looks into his eyes for a second too long and Sam coughs. Dean snaps away and sees Sam gesture to the window.

“The guy in the window has our drinks now Dean.” Turning around, the older hunter apologizes and hurries to get out of the sight of the annoyed employee.

Sam suggests they head back to the bunker immediately. “It’s getting pretty late guys. I’m sure we’re all do for a decent night’s rest.”

“I agree. It appears that some of my grace was not restored when I was resurrected. I feel myself getting drowsy in addition to my hunger.” Castiel doesn’t seem too affected by it, but with his stony expressions, it’s hard to tell what gets to him.

“Alright, we can make it there in about 3 hours if I take back routes. Y’all can get a couple hours of shut eye now, I’ll be fine.”

“Dean, it’s okay I can take over, you’ve been driving all day- “

“Sammy, shut up and stop worrying about me, we have enough on our plates,” the older Winchester chastises his brother and sends him a look when he starts to protest. Fortunately, he gets the clue and doesn’t say another word.

About 30 minutes into the drive, Sam is out cold, and Dean checks on Castiel in the rear view mirror to see him shrug out of his trench and use it as a makeshift blanket.

Dean can’t help but smile to himself. _Yeah, I’m done for._

 

During the drive, Dean finds it impossible to shut out his thoughts on Castiel, which is odd because that’s kind of one of the reasons why he wanted to drive. He also couldn’t take another nightmare.

Truth is, he realized that he was done for a while ago. He can’t pinpoint exactly when. Maybe it was when Castiel first betrayed the God Squad for them. Or when he healed Dean after Sam took a dive into The Pit. Or maybe when Castiel was so excited to be trained by Dean to become a hunter. Or maybe when he broke out of that bitch Naomi’s mind control because he wouldn’t hurt Dean.  
Either way, all of his memories with Castiel just flooded his mind and it hit it all at once.

_I’m in love with Cas. Have been for a pretty long time._

Dumbfounded and overwhelmed, Dean feels his eyes prickle and almost missed the turn to the offramp on the freeway with blurred vision.

“Is everything okay?” Castiel asks when he and Sam were jolted awake from Dean swerving to get back on track.

“Yeah, doing just dandy, Cas.” He says as he feels hot tears fall down his cheeks. He can see Sam give him a careful look, but he pays no attention. How is he supposed to act around Castiel now that he’s come to the realization that he’s in love with Castiel?

 

When they arrive at the bunker, it’s close to 2 a.m. and if Dean doesn’t get a cup of coffee in him soon, he’s gonna conk out. On their way down the stairs into the war room, Sam decides to appoint Castiel an official room with a comfortable bed and fresh new sheets. He leaves in a hurry, while Dean and Castiel move to the kitchen. _I’ve loved him for over 5 years, not much has to change, right?_

“Do you want anything Cas?” If Castiel is now somewhat half human, Dean might as well start treating him like one.

“Just a glass of water please.” Dean turns to fill up a glass with tap water, and when he turns back, Castiel is staring at him with his eyes a bit squinted in thought. Dean can’t help but heat up staring back at him.

“How long was I dead?” Dean almost drops his glass while Castiel asks him.

“Jesus Cas, just through it right at me…” The Winchester can’t help but feel guilty; he could’ve stopped him from being killed by Lucifer if he’d just killed Lucifer first. He could’ve done it.

“Oh, I’m sorry Dean…” Castiel says solemnly.

“You were gone for a couple of days.” Dean ignores his apology; Castiel wouldn’t need to apologize if Dean had just done his job.

“Dean, you do know that my death was not your fault.” Looking up into his eyes, Dean can tell that Castiel really means it.

“How do you know that Cas! If I’d only just- “

“Stop. Stop. It. Now.” And with Castiel’s use of his garrison voice, Dean shuts his mouth. Sam walks in just as Castiel is about to continue.

“Alright Cas, I got all new sheets plus a few other ones if you need anything― did I interrupt something?” Shit, Dean thinks, Sam sensed the argument.

“Nope. I was just saying goodnight. We’ll all talk more tomorrow.” Castiel still has his back to Sam, watching Dean leave with a sort of glare on his face, and now Dean feels really guilty and his face must show it because as Castiel turns his body to follow Dean, his glare softens to a more forgiving gaze.

“Okay then, night Dean.”

“Night Sammy. Good night Cas.” He turns back around to give Castiel his best attempt at a smile and Castiel’s in return makes him forget about their argument for a brief second.

When Dean gets to his room, he flops on his bed stomach first, not even bothering to change, mind drifting to memories of Castiel’s smiles throughout the years, hoping to distract himself with his temporary, ignorant love for Castiel.

 

That night Dean slept about 6 peaceful hours. He doesn’t wonder why, he already knows it’s because of Castiel’s return. He’s still on his stomach; he doesn’t move much when he has no nightmares. Turning to the side, he checks his alarm clock by his desk to see it’s 8:24 A.M. _Gotta shower and make breakfast._

Getting up, Dean takes his time stretching and popping out his stiff bones and sore muscles. His body is aging, but at least he still has his good looks. He goes to pick out some clothes and decides that they aren’t going anywhere today, they have to figure out how in the world Castiel is back, so he chooses a faded Zep shirt and his favorite pair of flannel sweats. They’re blue. Now that he thinks about it, the sweats look like Castiel’s eyes.

Grabbing a pair of boxers and his towel, he heads to the bunker showers. Thankfully they’re each a separate room; plenty of privacy.  
He sets the water to a nice warm spray and just stands there for a minute, contemplating his exact thoughts on Castiel. It’s all that he can really do right now, newfound love and all.

_Love._

How’s Dean supposed to tell Castiel that he’s in love with him? He’s a guy, what if Castiel isn’t even into guys? Dean couldn’t give a shit, Castiel is the most beautiful beings he’s laid eyes on.

 _Woah, that’s new. Cas is totally smokin’! Cool._ The Winchester’s fingers massage his scalp as he thinks, and a shit-eating grin appears on his face.

He hurries and finishes up, climbing out of the shower and whipping off the steam on the 5-foot-wide mirror, examining his face. Should he shave? He’s kept his little stubble for a few weeks and it’s growing fast now. _To hell with it_.

Toweling off and wrapping it around his waist, he reaches for his razor under the sink. Slowly he begins to look a bit younger. He smiles to himself. _What a looker._

It’s then when he’s staring into his own eyes that he remembers how pretty much everyone except Sam and Castiel are dead. And he contributed to it. Crowley committed suicide for them, Mary’s gone in another fucking world, Lucifer with her doing who knows what, and Jack, who happens to be a Nephilim, the most powerful being alive at the moment, is MIA with no leads to his whereabouts.

_What the fuck does love matter right now?_

Dean knows that his own feelings about a certain angel should be pushed aside, bottled up, and forgotten about. _But what am I supposed to do with him right in front of me and I can do something about it?_

Another wave hits him: _Everyone I love dies._

And another: _Does he even love me the way I love him?_

The last one: _What if he doesn’t love me?_

 

Straightening himself up, Dean walks into the kitchen to see Castiel sorting through the fridge. He apparently senses him and turns around.

“Good morning, Dean,” Castiel greets with a bright smile, and dammit Dean can’t help but fall victim to his baby-blues. He lets out a tiny sigh.

“Mornin’ Cas,” he says trying to add a smile, but Castiel catches his slight change in character. The angel’s face slowly switches to a slight frown. Dean just walks past him, completely ignoring that Castiel acknowledged him. After setting up the old coffee pot, the hunter turns around.

“How are you doing, Cas? And don’t bullshit me, you’ve been through a lot in a small span of time,” Castiel looks down for a while before raising his head; he wears a steely facial expression.

“Dean, you know I’m doing alright-“ Dean stops him mid-sentence because he knows it’s a lie. They’re never “alright”.

“No.” He raises his voice. He’s a bit angry, he told Castiel not to bullshit him. “Are you really okay?”

When Castiel doesn’t respond and avoids eye contact, Dean knows something’s up. He goes to usher Castiel to the kitchen table and sits next to him, he immediately pushes every other thought aside. _This is how I can show him I love him._

“Castiel. I know how stupid it is to open up, we’ve been through this before. You know what to do, man.”

Castiel has a blank expression when he looks into Dean’s eyes. “Then why won’t you say what’s wrong with you? Something was clearly bothering you earlier and you also clearly avoided talking to me about it.”

Dean’s stomach sunk and his head started to hurt a bit. _What am I supposed to say now?!?_

“This is different Cas- “

“Explain to me how “different” this is? Dean this is ridiculous, you’re a grown man…”

“And you’re an angel! Who just died and came back to life out of nowhere! Don’t you think that fucks someone up a little?!?”

They both enter a staring contest for about 30 seconds and slowly Castiel’s composure breaks and pure sadness appears in his eyes.

Dean can’t look at him like this too much, it fucks him up more to see what he causes Castiel to go through. He avoids eye contact by rubbing his eyes with the end of his palm.

“I’m sorry Dean. You’re right…Last night a had a terrible dream.” _Oh shit. Why am I such a dick?_ Dean literally told himself to focus on Castiel, so why is he yelling at him and being a stubborn ass? _Is this what love is? This fucking sucks._

“Do you wanna talk about it Cas?” he tries for comfort and softens his voice, almost to how he talks to case victims, but with actual care and concern.

Looking up at Dean, Castiel’s eyes shine with fear and hesitation. Dean sucks in a breath of air and nods to Castiel for encouragement.

“The last thing I saw before I died was your face, Dean. Your horror-stricken face, knowing Lucifer was behind me, knowing it was too late,” the angel explains, and Dean is full of shock and sorrow. _This is morbid._

“Cas...”

“My dream featured Sam, and of course you. But this was… not something I’ve ever witnessed in my existence.” His voice grew shaky. “I think seeing your face and knowing Lucifer had something to do with this, because all I saw was you and Lucifer possessing Sam and torturing you. In so many different ways, Dean. One right after the other…” At this point Castiel had tears rolling down his ace and he was staring at an empty spot on the floor, not even blinking.

Dean could feel his eyes prickle and flood with unshed tears. _I can’t believe he went through that…_

For lack of a better thing to do, Dean leans over and puts his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. When he doesn’t respond, Dean takes matters into his own hands. He grips both of Castiel’s shoulders and turns his body to face his.

“None of that was real Cas. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Not when I can be here with you.”

Castiel faces Dean’s body at the last sentence and stars at him, almost in disbelief.

“You would really choose to be with me?” Dean can’t help but smile as he feels water hit his cheek.

“Of course, Cas. Angel or not, I wouldn’t put anyone who’s not blood-related to me first before you. Even then, I would probably choose you.”  
It’s quiet again, but Castiel seems like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Dean decides to lighten the mood even more.

“C’mon Cas. I’ve been dying for a cup of coffee,” he says dropping his hands from his shoulders and getting up to go to the coffee machine by the fridge. He hears Castiel follow.

He grabs two plain mugs and pours them full. He leaves his black, but asks Castiel if he wants anything with it. He declines.

“Dean, please know that I offer the same treatment you gave me. I hope you know that I don’t want to burden you-" _Cas, we just went over this._

“Cas stop, please. You’re not a burden and will never be,” he walks closer to Castiel, in that he will see his sincerity.

“Thank you, Dean.” The angel's face holds a ghost of a smile. Then he sets his mug down on the counter behind and pulls Dean into an embrace.

But this is a different type of hug. Totally different than the normal “bro” hug with one arm above his and one under, along with a pat on the back.

No, Castiel threw his arms over Dean’s shoulders and pressed his face into his neck.

 _Holy shit, this is awesome_.

Dean automatically wraps his arms around Castiel’s waist and pulls him impossibly closer to his chest. He’s only a couple of inches taller than Castiel, but he’s still able to rest his cheek against the angel’s head. And Dean doesn’t have enough self-control to keep him from smelling his hair. It smells like their citrus soap and petrichor. _It smells like home._

Unaware of how much time has passed, Castiel pulls away suddenly, and Dean is confused.

“Oh-Uh-Dean- I’m sorry, you probably didn’t want that- “

_He’s ridiculous, when is he going to get the clue that I love him?_

“Cas, it’s okay. I’m here for you, no matter what you need.” _Maybe if I grab his hand he’ll know._

So, Dean slides his hand down and Grabs his hand. Castiel’s eyes pop out of his head and Dean decides to go slow when he intertwines their fingers. When Castiel doesn’t move away but instead comes closer, his heart starts beating extremely fast. _Hooooly shit are we gonna kiss? Is he really into me?_

Castiel stares deeply into Dean’s eyes and it’s all Dean can do but to start leaning his head forward. In return, Castiel slowly starts to angle his head up. The hunter sneaks a look at his lips, and Castiel smirks. That’s when Dean’s composure breaks; he’s really nervous suddenly, so he stops moving forward. Thinking of ultimatums seems a lot easier than trying to tell Castiel how he’s feeling.

There’s about an inch of space between them, and Dean breaks their trance by resting his forehead against the angel’s.

“What we are doing Cas?”

Closing his eyes, Dean can feel Castiel’s nose bump against his, then his breath.

“What we’ve always wanted, and you know that or else we wouldn’t be in this position at the moment.”

Letting out a long sigh, Dean pulls away from Castel but reaches down to grab both of his hands and holds them in his.

“Cas, you know I’m just gonna cause more pain for you-“ Castiel interrupts him out of frustration.

“Why do you think that?” Dean’s been trying to keep it together, but that was his last string.

“Because everyone one I love ends up getting killed Cas, why don’t you understand that?!?”

Castiel’s refute is right behind his reasoning, like he read Dean’s mind.

“Because I’m always going to be with you! I’ve already told you. When everyone is gone, if everyone “gets killed” before you do, I will forever be by your side. It doesn’t matter who or what you are, I will watch over you until my last breath.”

“Why would you choose me? You’re gonna die Cas, you did just a few days ago. Being with me is only going to make it worse…”

Obviously frustrated and done with Dean's shit, Castiel pulls away from Dean and moves both his hands up to hold Dean's face.

"Every molecule of your body, every once of your soul, your spirit-whatever and whoever you are Dean, you're worth it. You have the brightest, purest soul anything could ever see. get it through your stubborn head-"

"Cas, stop-"

"Dean, I love-"

"NO." He stopped him firmly. Dean couldn't take it anymore. _I won't let him doom himself for my destructive ass._ "Don't say it. Don't do this to yourself. Don't do this to me..." The hunter took Castiel's hands and pulled them away from his face lowering them to his chest where his heart is.

"I don't understand. How do you not see that I will always be with you? I came back. I contacted you first, you mean the world-heaven-hell-purgatory- none of it matters compared to you," Castiel says as he puts one of his hands flat over Dean's heart and grabs one of Dean's and presses it through his trench, above his own heart. "I know how you feel; our heartbeat matches mine. Let yourself _feel."_

Retracting his hand, Dean feels his eyes prickle and swell. _I won't. For his sake._ He sighs and hot tears stream down both of his cheeks.

"You just came back, Cas, you're not in a right state of mind," he shakes his head, trying really hard to not talk about this anymore, "you need more nutrition-and maybe take a bath."

With that, he backs out and bumps into Sam. _Great, just what I needed_. 

"Whoa, Dean, what happened, what's going on?" The younger Winchester has concern laced all over his face.

"I'll be fine, Sam. Don't worry about me."

He bails before Sam can question him. He finds himself in a bit of a sprint, trying to escape scrutiny. 

When he gets to his room, he shuts the door and locks it, barricades is with his chair by his desk, finds his old friend Johnny, and spends the rest of the day wallowing in self-pity.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel has a thoughtful talk with Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all I have a short chapter for today! Things get a lot more interesting later. I hope this is good and not trashy! Constructive crit is welcome!

The angel is left with Sam's confused face staring at him.

"What the hell was that?"  Trying to buy some time, Castiel turned around reaching for his coffee. 

"Dean and I are at a bit of a disagreement..." He turns around to see Sam's eyebrows raised in question as he moves to sit down at the table.

"What do you mean 'disagreement'?" The younger hunter's face softens. "Hey, it's okay, you don't need to tell me now, but you know how difficult it can be, bottling things up." Castiel figures it's time to tell someone what's going on. he goes to join Sam at the table.

"Dean and I have a certain attachment to each other, different than yours to his, it's become quite clear." Sam nods. "But ever since the day I brought him back and met him at the barn, there's been a bond that he and I continue to dance around, and to be quite honest, it's tiring."

Sam can't help but grin as he continues.

"But I've been patient with him, always going at his pace until he decides what he wants. But I think my sudden death might have broken a dam inside his mind."

Elbows on the table with hands interlaced propping up his chin, Sam ponders over the last few days. "I'm glad I'm not the only one who's noticed Dean lately. I think that while you were gone, he was about to give up..."

There's a beat of silence before Castiel starts back up again. "This morning he found me searching for some breakfast in the refrigerator. He asked me if I was alright and I replied with a yes and I asked him in return, but then we immersed into an argument because he wouldn't tell me his obvious problem. I decided to confess to him my only concern, which was a tiny nightmare-I'm alright Sam, we can talk about it later- and he inadvertently revealed to me that he is afraid of being in a relationship with me." The angel decided to keep all other details to himself because of how Dean might react to Sam knowing. 

The younger Winchester slowly lowers his hands and his eyes are wide. "Wow, I wouldn't have expected that from Dean...Maybe he just doesn't want to mess up what you two have."

Castiel squints his eyes and realizes that the Winchesters think alike. "I think you're right Sam, but he doesn't need to be. I will never leave the Winchesters' sides..."

A sympathetic look crosses Sam's face. "Just give him some space today and we'll check on him later."

"Okay, Sam," he rubs his eye with his right hand and takes a drink out of his mug. same goes to fix them some eggs and comes back shortly with two plates.

"What do you say we focus on finding Mary and Jack. We need new leads and with your help, maybe we can get some good trails," the hunter replies with hopeful eyes. 

"Of course, Sam."

 

They spend 6 hours straight researching and looking through old books to see what type of universe Mary could've ended up in and haven't started on where Jack could be, with Dean still in his room.

Frustrated, Sam decides to go into town and pick up some fresh food, since all they had left was frozen vegetables.

"Are you sure you're good on your own?" he asked while putting on a thin flannel; it's starting to get chilly outside.

"Yes, Sam. I figure I can attempt to talk to Dean if he's capable," the angel explains with tired eyes. 

"Alright. I know you've been extremely patient, but you just got back so he's probably still shaken up." Castiel nods. "I'll be back in a couple hours."

With that, Sam grabs the keys to a different car in the garage and heads out.

Castiel braces himself for what's to come and heads down the hall to Dean's room.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean inadvertently heats things up...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this is my first time writing something smutty, please give feedback if you'd like!

Dean proceeded to break into his secret stache of alcohol after he downed his bottle of Jack Daniels. He didn't care what it was as long as he had something in his system. To distract himself from thinking about what the bottles will do to him, he put on his Zeppelin records and wallowed away in self-pity. 

Unaware of how long he'd been in his room, he woke up with a silence from his music player from his phone with the overwhelming urge to vomit. So he ran as quiet as he could to that bathrooms farthest from the war room where he heard Sam and Castiel's voices and let loose. 

After about an hour, he finished up, unfortunately quite sober. When he got to his room without being caught, he picked up the same bottle he had earlier and smiled sourly.

"You understand, right? Even if Cas doesn't, you do..."

He decided, for nostalgia's sake, to put on Zepp's first album, listening to Babe I'm Gonna Leave You, thinking of how stupid his idea of a persisting love with Castiel would be. If he had tears streaming down his face while he finished the drink, no one or their mom needed to know. 

Wiping his face and searching for another bottle, Dean got tipsy again. _Fuck this, I ain't cryin' no more._  He reached for his laptop and shut off his music. _Tentacle porn it is._

 

For the life of him, Dean couldn't get off. After he started watching something called a Henti, it felt like his dick was broken. He got comfortable, still drinking the last bottle from before, pulled out his semi-hard dick, and jerked at it in his favorite ways. Normally when the characters on screen started escalating, he would be right with them. Today, though, was different. His thoughts of Castiel wouldn't leave him alone so he thought those were also holding him back.

But then he started thinking about Castiel's eyes and lean stomach and those particular thoughts got him going. He shut down his laptop and let his mind do the visualizing, throwing this morning temporarily out of the door. 

"Fuck-" his hand wasn't slick enough, so he blindly put his bottle down on the drawer and reached inside for a bottle of lube he kept. That's when he heard a knock at the door.

"Dean, it's Castiel. I'm just checking to see if you're okay."

A ways past drunk, Dean didn't give a rats ass about earlier and got harder at the sound of the angel's rough voice. _Mmm._ He wasn't gonna get up, but his hazy mind came up with a plan. He decided to tuck himself back in his pants and stumbled to the door.

"Hello, Dean- are you alright?" Castiel was staring at Dean with open eyes.

"Mhm hell yeah I'm alright, especially with you lookin' like that," he drawled and couldn't help but bit his bottom lip for emphasis as he eyed Castiel up and down; he took off his trench and suit jacket and was left in his wrinkled white button up, tie, and well fitting slacks. 

Castiel snuck a look at Dean's mouth, but quickly corrected himself. "Dean, you're drunk. Give me your bottles and get some rest."

Dean pouted and reached forward until he reached Castiel's tie and pulled him into his room. castiel could have easily resisted, but there's no use of fighting with a strong drunk. 

"What-" the angel grunted as he was pushed up against Dean's door. _Oh shit he feels so good._

"Shh Cas." He placed himself in between Castiel's legs and began grinding on Castiel.

Dean lets out a groan. "Ughh, Cas, don't you understand how you make me feel? I couldn't get off before thinking about you."

Castiel tries to push the hunter away with his hands on his chest, but Dean gives a particularly hard thrust that distracts the angel and ends with Dean pinning his arms by his wrists above his head. 

"Dean, let me go, you're not in your right mind!" He has to dodge Dean's attempts at kisses. He also finds himself getting aroused despite his true goal to get out. 

"But you want this too! I can feel you right next to me," Dean slurs and ruts faster against Castiel.

"Yes Dean, I want to be with you, but not like this, not while you're drunk and desperate." Then Dean stops. _Is this what he calls desperate? He prolly doesn't even love me!_

"Desperate?!?" He throws Castiel's arms down to his sides and stumbles back until he sits on his bed. His head hangs low as he begins to get angry.

"Dean, calm down-"

"NO." He's yelling now. "First you deny me, then you try and tell me what to do?" Getting up, his balance is a bit off, so Castiel rushes to his side and reaches for him, but Dean swats his arm away in spite.  

"You don't love me Cas. This is just pity..." his voice cracked and he sat back down cradling his arms over his head. 

"You're wrong Dean. I-I do love you. You're just drunk and I'm not going to take advantage of you like this." He feels Castiel try and touch his back but he flinches. The bed dips as Castiel proceeds to sit next to Dean. 

"You don't love me. If you loved me you would've had sex with me. You would've let me kiss you!" _He's a fuckin' jackass he doesn't care._

"Dean, get some sleep and we'll talk in the morning." With that, Castiel gets up and takes his bottle off of his desk and leaves his room. 

 

_Why doesn't he want me? Why doesn't he love me?_

Dean, in his drunk daze, gets extremely angry and confused, so, naturally, he gets up and grabs his chair and swings it as hard as he can and lets out a loud shout as he slams it down in rage, breaking various legs. 

What he doesn't know about are the tears rolling down Castiel's own face as he jumps at his outburst while walking to the kitchen to dispose of his alcohol. 

 

Sam returns about 30 minutes later to find Castiel dozing with his right cheek leaning on his right arm, laying on the table in the war room. 

He sighs and carefully walks the other way around the angel, but he wakes up anyway.

"Hey buddy, you doing okay?" He sets the bags of groceries from Walmart down on the long table and sits in front him.

"Truth be told, no, Sam. I am not okay." Castiel's voice is a bit rougher. He clears his throat when Sam asks what happened. 

"I went to check on Dean and I found him drunk, which didn't surprise me much. What shocked me was Dean's drunken advance on me..." He rubs the sides of his foreheads with his pointer finger and thumb.

"Damn Cas, I'm sorry you had to deal with Dean like that again, I'll go talk to him-"

"No Sam, it's fine. I love him and if that's what needs to happen for him to feel better- I know it's not the best thing for him to do, but it's what he does and I can't make him change that." 

Sam sits there with a sort of shock on his face. Castiel guesses it's because he said he loves Dean.

"Alright Cas," he says with a soft smile, "go get some sleep, it's getting late, and we still have to deal with him tomorrow."

"Thank you. Goodnight Sam."

"Night Cas."

 

Dean felt like shit in the morning, especially because he didn't have anything to throw up when he got up to take a shower at around 6 A.M. 

 _Fuck why did I drink last night?_ The hunter's slumped around the toilet bowl, heaving up air. when he calms down he gets up and goes across the hall to the showers with his things.

And, of course, Dean runs into Castiel on his way to the bathroom. _Why do the gods hate me?_

"Dean! How are you feeling?" The Winchester freezes in the locker area before the showers are accessible. _Oh, Jesus help._ The angel only has a towel slung low on his hips, and his hair and chest are still a little wet. 

"Um, I'm-" He's struggling with what to say, he remembers most of the night, especially what happened after he tried to watch porn. 

"Do you need medication?" Castiel asks with true concern etched in his eyes, and Dean suddenly is overwhelmed with embarrassment.

He feels his eyes prickle for whatever reason. 

"Oh, Dean. It's okay..." _Oh hell._

"I'm so sorry Cas. I hate what happened last night, I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry I put you in that position, you should've hit me, I deserve it-" 

"Calm down, Dean," he soothes him and walks closer to him until he's arm lengths away. "I understand your predicament. I just need you let out whatever is going on in your mind." 

Looking down into Dean's eyes, he feels himself slipping into Castiel's hold. He's trying to resist, but it isn't happening.

"Are you sure Cas?" His voice cracks when he says his name. 

"Yes, Dean." The angel puts his right hand on Dean's waist and slowly brings him into an embrace like yesterday morning. 

Dean can't find anything else to do than pull Castiel closer and bury his face into his neck and cry. _I can't believe this angel fell for me._

When Castiel notices he's crying, he tightens his arms around Dean's neck.

"It's alright Dean. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you."

"Thank you, Cas," he squeaks instead of what he really wants to say. _I love you, Cas._

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean begins to open up to Castiel and they share some special moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, so I want to end things pretty soon, and I hope this chapter sets it up nicely. The narration tone has probably shifted into something a little more serious, but I think that's more appropriate for the interactions between Cas and Dean. Hope y'all like this!

After their hug, Castiel decides to give Dean some space. _I really don't deserve him._

He showers and decides to shave his growing scruff. It makes him look like John and Mary doesn't need a reminder when they find her.

Dressing in a black tee and bootcut jeans, the hunter goes to his room and shamefully fixes the mess he made last night.

 _No more secret stash, Cas can't keep putting up with this..._ He grabs the couple of bottles he has left and takes them to the vacated kitchen and empties them down the drain.

Then Sam walks in and Dean is bracing himself, expecting to get yelled at. Instead, his younger brother puts a hand on his shoulder and looks at him with kind eyes.

"I know that sharing feelings is not your forte, but I'm here for you to talk to, like always," beaming a hopeful smile, Sam smacks his shoulder lightly and goes to get a glass of orange juice he bought last night.

"Thanks, Sammy." Smiling softly, the older Winchester sets to make them some eggs.

"I think I possibly have a lead on Jack," the angel says as he walks in on the boys. He's still in his dress shirt and slacks. _Gotta get him some new clothes now that he's somewhat human..._

"That's great! Whatcha got?" Dean finishes their eggs and pulls out a loaf of bread and sets it at the table where they all sit to further discuss the news.

"My mind started thinking about Jack's powers after I saw a headline on the internet about a mysterious teenage boy who was found without clothing around Sioux Falls who  "telepathically" attacked two officers after they attempted to get information from him." He paused to let the Winchesters process the handful that came out. "What caught me, of course, was the telepathy. Nephilims are extremely powerful, and are said to be twice as powerful as the angel that conceived them. Because Lucifer is his father, I suggest we set to look for him as soon as possible." Castiel is vibrating with excitement and anticipation at his new discovery, and the boys are beaming with new found hope.

"You know, can't we call Jody to check on him?-"

"She's probably already there, you know her.  How long ago did you find that article, Cas?" The older Winchester asks as his eyes flick to Castiel's.

The angel snaps his head up with a quick realization.

"It was posted at around five A.M. today."

Dean's brows raise in shock too. "Sam, maybe you were right-"

"I'll go get my phone." With that, the younger hunter leaves, but Dean sees him give Castiel a knowing look, and Dean isn't sure he wants to know what that means, considering last nights events.

Castiel turns his attention towards Dean.

"I sense you are feeling better?" He adds a smile for comfort.

_How is he this adorable? Whenever I look at him everything is better..._

"Yeah, angel, I'm doin' just fine," he grins and just like that, Castiel breaks out into a wide smile and tilts his chin down to attempt to cover up his slight blush.

"Angel?" Castiel asks while looking up at the hunter from under his lashes. "You'll always be my angel," his smile growing fond.   
  
They hear Sam coming down the hall, and they both straighten up out of reflex.   
  
"Got it, Jody. We'll be there as soon as we can," Sam hangs up the phone. "I walked in and she was already calling," he explains with a matter of fact look, "She said Jack was fine and was asking for 'the angel Castiel' and that he needs to find him as soon as possible, saying he resurrected him." He puts finger quotes up at appropriate times.   
  
Dumbfounded, the Winchesters stare at the angel with their mouths slightly hung open.   
  
"Don't expect me to know what that means! I have no idea either!" he put his hands up in defense.   
  
_Oh God, he's so freaken adorable._

Dean stifles a giggle and then he can't help but break out in laughter, because how is he not going to laugh at a clueless Castiel? It's hilarious. 

Sam and Castiel look at Dean like he's crazy and exchange looks and can't help but laugh with him.

Their eyes are teary by the time they settle down. Sam faces Dean. "I'm glad to see that you're feeling better."

Realizing that he is actually much better with Castiel and Sam by his side, his grin turns into a watery smile.

"Yeah, Sammy," he pauses and looks at both of them, "Let's all get packed, we'll leave in ten. I want to get to Jack A.S.A.P!" He claps his hands for emphasis and Sam chuckles as he goes to his room.

The hunter walks around the long table to the hallway, but Castiel just stands there watching him seemingly without anything to do, probably because he's good to go.

 _Oh shit yeah, he doesn't need to pack anything._ He walks up to the angel instead.

"Don't you need any clothes?" Dean asks shyly, like he might be overstepping boundaries, "I know you love your trench and that's perfectly fine, but you could borrow some of my clothes until we get you some? I mean, we're pretty much the same size..." The Winchester fiddles with his hands nervously, but still maintains eye contact.

Castiel thinks for a second before responding. "Since I still have some of my grace, I don't necessarily need to change my clothing..."

_Why did I ask if he wanted new clothes I just made everything awkward what the hell!_

The angel must have sensed Dean's awkward embarrassment because he reaches out and grabs one of Dean's hands in his own.

"But it'd be nice to wear something else for a change, especially if it's yours," he answers honestly.

_He's gonna kill me with kindness. That's his new mission from God._

 Dean can sense that he's heating up.

"Alright, Cas, let's get you some clothes."

The hunter leads him to his room, still holding his hand, not wanting to let go just yet. 

 

Looking through his drawers, Dean picks out his usual black tee's, boxers, and socks and asks the angel what he wants. He walks over and inspects the clothes.

"Dean, not that I mind, but do you have anything other than black undershirts?" he wonders with some confusion trying not to offend the Winchester.

"Well, ya see, I mainly have black tee's because they go well with flannel and thin jackets," Dean explains with a tiny smirk, proud of his fashion style because it's pretty great. 

"That's alright then."

Dean nods and hands him a couple of undershirts and signals to were his flannels and button ups are hanging next to his jeans in his closet.

"Okay, what's your favorite color, Cas?" he asks thumbing through his newly added collection of shirts, courtesy of Walmart.

"Um, I haven't given that much thought," he contemplates the shirts, but then turns to look Dean in the eyes very intently, "but I suppose my favorite color is green. Your eyes are the most beautiful shade of green, and I like them very much."

The hunter just stares at Castiel in shock, eyes wide. _His favorite fricken color is green. Because. Of. My. Damn. Eyes. What is this dude?!?_

Feeling his face heat up, Dean turns to look at his variety of flannels to hide his bashful smile.

"Then it's a good thing I have a ton of button-ups you can choose from."

Right away Dean pulls out a forest green flannel with a single thin yellow stripe running by each square in the pattern. 

Castiel smiled when he saw that shirt and held it up to Dean. "This isn't the same but I guess it'll do..." he teased playfully.

Rolling his eyes, the Winchester shoved Castiel's shoulder with a grin, feeling electricity running through his veins all because of Castiel. He went to pull out a light green and black flannel and gave it to the angel, who held it in his hands as he switched from looking at it and Dean.

He shook his head. "No, I don't like this one, it's too dull compared to your eyes," look up, he put it back.

 _Who knew something would be 'too dull' next to me?_ Dean feels adoration on his face as he looks at Castiel grazing through the rack.

"Ah, I like this one. This really reminds me of you," Castiel declares as he stares at it down in his hands fondly before raising his head and addressing Dean with the silent 'what do you think?' It's a regular white flannel decorated with dark green and yellow flannel patterns.

_I've been shot. I'm bleeding, he's so sweet why is he so sweet and cute??? Am I getting butterflies??_

 "Cas, you're makin' me blush," Dean said trying to be sarcastic, but it just came out sincerely. He clears his throat, "I'd be happy to continue helping you pick some clothes, but we gotta get goin soon. Here." He reaches over next to Castiel and hands him a couple pairs of jeans. He crouches down to get a bag similar to his and also gives it to Castiel so he can carry his new clothes with him.

Gathering his things, he follows Dean out of his closet and sets them down on the bed next to the hunter's clothes.

"Thank you, Dean. You don't know how much this means to me," he confesses as he begins to fold and pack an outfit along with Dean, leaving one out for later.

Stopping, Dean looks at Castiel with a bit of uncertainty. "Really? I mean, it's just a couple of shirts and pants- shoulda done it a while ago-"

"Stop, Dean. This is very generous of you, considering it's not a necessity for me," he finishes packing and zips up his bag and walks closer to Dean as he resumes.

"You're welcome, Cas." He sighs out of his nose.  _Can't even come up with anything meaningful to say back, what the hell Winchester?_

As Dean zips up his bag, he feels Castiel's hand cover his as it's on the zipper. He takes a deep breath as Castiel turns him so they're face to face. 

"It's alright if you didn't want to give me your clothes-"

"Jesus, Cas, no it's not that, I'm okay giving you my things," he laughs, but frowns after, "it's just, I feel like I should be doing more for you, like I'm not doing enough..." His head hangs down in shame.

"Dean, you're being a bit ridiculous," the angel teases, "You helped out of the kindness of your heart, and actions speak louder than words, believe it or not," he says a little sarcastically and tilts Dean's chin up with his finger curved.

"Cas-"

"It's okay, Dean. We'll take our time. We don't need to rush anything. I love you, I think you know that very clearly," he says, warmth seeping through his words into Dean's heart.

 _Oh shit he said it while I'm not drunk, there's really no going back for him._  

"I-" He cut himself off, totally speechless incapable of getting a single damn word out.

So Castiel moves closer, tipping his head up, obviously going for a kiss, and Dean wakes up from the shock. _Do I kiss him? What the fuck do I do?!?_

Thankfully Castiel isn't that close and he's moving slow. His hand moves to Dean's neck and the other resting on his cheek. 

_It's now or never Dean, come on!_

The Winchester slides his hands to the angel's hips and they're centimeters apart when Sam knocks on his doorframe.

"Hey, we have five minutes and your not waiting for me in the Impala, are you good?" his voice is slightly muffled from outside.

"Shit," Dean says quietly while Castiel's face turns a lovely shade of pink, then raises his voice, "I'm good Sammy, just getting some extra things. Give me ten more minutes!"

"Okay, tell me if you need anything!" and with that, they hear his footsteps get lighter as he walks away.

"Another time, yeah angel? We gotta get you changed," Dean says as Castiel blushes more and his hands fall from his neck and intertwine with the hunter's.

"Of course, Dean." They share an affectionate gaze. "Also, can I borrow a pair of boots? I'd rather not wear 'dress shoes' with hunting clothes..." he says shifting the mood to a more playful one.

"Of course, Cas." Teasingly mocking Castiel, he sends a wink his way as he grabs the outfit from the bed. He rolls his eyes, but his blush betrays him as Dean laughs.

 _Yeah,_ my _new mission is to get Cas to blush as often as I can._

 

Five minutes later, Dean has their gear and bags in the car, waiting for Castiel to come down while Sam is calling Jody in the car to check up on her and Jack.

As Dean shuts the trunk, Castiel comes up from the bunker's door and he looks good. Like, really good.

_Damn, why didn't I offer him my clothes earlier?!?  Mph, he looks fan-freaken-tastic!_

"What do you think Dean?" Castiel asks bashfully, looking at the hunter from under his eyelashes.

Dean scans him from top to bottom and smirks as Castiel stands in front of him.

"Cas, you look really good, I might not be able to drive, lookin' at you like that," he drawls, obviously flirting with him. The angel blushes as he wraps his hands around Dean's neck again and Dean's return to his waist.

"You're so charming, Dean, thank you," he says smiling wide as he looks into Dean's eyes affectionately. Then he decides to raise up on his toes to give Dean a chaste kiss on the cheek. "You don't look so bad yourself," and he backs away from the Winchester and enjoys the dumbfounded look on his face before he chuckles and walks around the Impala before he goes inside.

Standing there and grinning like an idiot, touching the spot where Castiel kissed him, Dean looks directly into nothing.

_He just kissed me on the cheek. Like I was a girl. And I liked it!!! I'm getting him back for this._


End file.
